I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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