Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
