I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
