Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
