Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
