I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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