It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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