Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
is it fun? or sober?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
