my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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