Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
