you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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