Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
