Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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