Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
