Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
