you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
They took my balls.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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