I'm gonna have a badass scar
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
