Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
