You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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