fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
