: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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