If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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