so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
