i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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