Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
