there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize