I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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