I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
