Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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