It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
