There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
