That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
All I want is dick and wine.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
