You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
