At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Randomize
