Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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