I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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