We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
