Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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