Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
they need to just BURY HIM!
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
