My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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