That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
