You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
