dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
