If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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