I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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