I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
