TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
