at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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