it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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