I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
