My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i was born a porn star she said
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
