Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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