I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
