I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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