The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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