SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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