wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
