Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
