Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
